by Dan Roberts – MD Support

In the early days after my diagnosis, I experienced an unexpected symptom of my chronic vision loss that wasn’t mentioned in anything I was reading about the subject.

My wife, Christina, had been trying to get me to fix our refrigerator’s ice maker for months. This would normally have been a welcome challenge, but after a feeble attempt which took much too long, I gave up.

Our porch light developed an electrical short. A project which used to take me only a few minutes took nearly an hour, and my halfhearted repair would probably not last. Then something happened that forced me to admit that I was starting to give in to my slowly-decreasing vision. I was losing my self-confidence.

It started when I drove to the computer store to get a hard drive for Christina’s computer. I had not been there in quite a while, and the place looked slightly different to me. Everything seemed more askew and unfamiliar, and I had trouble reading the information on the racks. My frustration turned into surliness, and Christina (bless her heart) chose to not take it personally.

The store was out of stock, so we needed to go to a place on the other side of town. When I got back into the driver’s seat, I was feeling a little shaky. Christina had other things to do, so I said I would drop her off at home. She offered to go with me, but I told her it was unnecessary and continued on my own.

As I drove away, I soon became disoriented. This made no sense, because I knew the area. So I drove carefully and paid extra-close attention to my surroundings.

After a while, I began to wonder if I was going the right way, so I decided to pull into a gas station for directions. I turned left at the next intersection, into the wrong side of the median, and ended up facing oncoming traffic. The other drivers shook their heads and rolled their eyes while I inched my way along, and – thanks to one sympathetic lady – I was able to turn across her lane into a parking lot to get my bearings.

I considered phoning Christina – something I had always promised to do in an emergency. But I just wasn’t ready for that yet. She would never feel safe riding with me again, and she would worry even more than usual whenever I would go off alone.

Finally, I found the store. They had what I was looking for, but as I paid for it, I thought, “How am I ever going to install this thing?” A year before, that would never have crossed my mind. But something was happening to me, and it was worse after the past hour of events. I hated that.

Well, it took a good half of the next day, but the installation was a qualified success, and Christina finally had her computer back. So on Monday my confidence had faltered, and on Wednesday it recovered. That’s all I know. I have now given up driving, but I’m still riding an emotional roller coaster. I just want you to know, so that if you are on this same ride, it might help to remember that you have company.

One thing I learned: there is something about this new me that will want to give up when things get tough. But something also gives me the strength to keep trying to be the husband I promised to be. Now I’m going to have another shot at that ice maker.